Coming to the end of the year usually means reflection time for a lot of people.I don’t usually do this, but for some reason, I feel compelled. And part of my mission here is for this blog to be a public log as I journey into health ministry/faith community nursing. It’s been difficult and rambling, but I want anyone who has any inkling that this might be their area of interest or passion to see what has helped, what hasn’t, and maybe one avenue to get started, with the hopes that I will one day be writing as someone on the inside, rather than as someone journeying in.
As I look back on my entries, journal, and reading list in the last year, here are a few things I’ve done and learned in 2021 as I have intentionally attempted to find my way into this area of ministry and medicine:
Reading
So far this year, I’ve read 15 books and listened to 4 (new ones, I have old ones I keep on in the background for the sake of familiarity once in a while, Harry Potter being one of the favorites for that). Many of them have had to do with health ministry, but many of them haven’t. Here’s the full list in case you were curious:
- Christian Caregiving – Kenneth C. Haughty
- Reimagining Apologetics – Justin Ariel Bailey
- The Name of the Wind – Patrick Rothfuss
- Dust and Breath – Kendra Hotz, Matthew T. Mathews, Gary Guderson
- Jesus, Justice, and Gender Roles – Kathy Keller
- Bourgeois Babes, bossy Wives, and Bobby Haircuts – Michael Bird
- The Book Woman of Troublesome Creek – Kim Richardson
- The Wise Man’s Fear – Patrick Rothfuss
- Sticky Faith – Dr. Powell, Dr. Clark
- The Essential Parish Nurse – Deborah Patterson
- The Making of Biblical Womanhood – Beth Allison Barr
- You’ll Get Through This – Max Lucado
- Show Your Work – Austin Keon
- Walking with God through Pain and Suffering – Timothy Keller
- Hunt, Gather, Parent – Michaeleen Doucleff
And here are the books I listened too:
- Winterkeep – Kristin Cashore
- Sacred Pathways – Gary Thomas
- Dune – Frank Herbert
- Grit – Angela Duckworth
I’m also currently reading The Healing Church: Practical Programs for Health Ministries – Abigail Rian Evans.
I recently read through a blog entry of someone I admire who said he read 60 books this year (holy smoke rings!). In the last several years, since my firstborn came into the world, I have probably read less than 3 books a year on average. So for me, although it’s not 60, reading through 15 books is a huge accomplishment! I wish I could remember the content of each of these books well, but the main thing I think this demonstrates is that even though I’m constantly complaining about not having time, I worked hard to make time, even if it meant 20 minutes less sleep, because learning was and is important to me. My soul is hungry for something. I’m both afraid of and eager for challenges, and some of these definitely shook me up.
It also means I’m steadily growing a library of resources for where I hope to be some day. I might not remember the full content of each of the health ministry resources I read through, but I now have them listed, and even if they were just borrowed, I can look back here, or in my old reading lists, and see where I could find wisdom or knowledge that I could use or lean on.
Research and Reconnaissance
I spent a bunch of time (and admittedly a little bit of money) trying to find people and resources that might help me find my way into health ministry and/or faith community nursing. This includes becoming a member in a few groups, as well as going to a few events to see how it might work “on the ground.”
-Joined Nurses Christian Fellowship (NCF) – their journal articles, emails, and blog entries have helped me to stay motivated.
-Joined my local chapter of NCF and attended a few of their virtual meetings – these groups have been small, maybe 4-5 people max, but it’s been good to hear from nurses more experience than me at thinking about where Jesus meets us in our expansive profession.
-Participated in Bolingbrook Christian Health Center’s “mission” event to serve uninsured patients in the Bolingbrook Area – opened my eyes to the needs of the underserved in our communities, as well as gave me confidence in my abilities as a nurse
-Attended Rebuild, my church’s 10 week grief workshop, and taught one of the weeks
Of all of these, probably the most affecting is Rebuild, the grief workshop. As I prepared for it, I also started Tim Keller’s book Walking with God through Pain and Suffering. It was a lot. But since I’m involved in oncology, learning to grieve and helping people through grief was an invaluable experience, and it pushed my understanding of and relationship with God in ways I didn’t expect.
I’m not sure how much each of these experiences and groups will help to guide this journey, but I appreciate the people who have shared their wisdom, and the skills and challenges that have fed and grown my soul.
Pushing and Leaning in
There were a lot of challenges to making the time and space to do any of the things I’ve listed above, but as I think back, I have to admit, the biggest challenge was dealing with… well… Me: with my fear, lack of confidence, and insecurity. Every event and time I asked for myself felt fraught. It meant asking for help, handing over some of the obligations and responsibilities I had been holding onto, and relinquishing them in order to free me to grow and do things.
I’m not sure everyone who reads this will understand (though I feel many of you will), but I am not good at asking for help. I feel so much of the weight of my responsibilities. I feel I should be able to work full time, then come home to be fully present with my kids, then connect with my husband when the kids are down, then spend 15 minutes for myself at night or in the morning to accomplish all my hopes and dreams, then wake up at 5 am to organize and prep for the day/week, and do it all again. I was so frustrated to realize that every day has challenges that will take up some of that precious energy I was hoping to use to feed my soul and pursue something meaningful. That and our sleep is constantly interrupted by one toddler or another. But I felt so selfish asking others, namely my husband, to take over some of that.
I’ve also felt frustrated that I had to ask, at times, which feels contradictory. I would get frustrated that my husband didn’t just know I was struggling to hold it all together, to get it all done (I had many days where I had the insane thought, “why can’t you just read my mind?!”). I definitely had times where I lashed out, and it came to a head several months ago. With a serious level of rage and desperation, I decided I would start taking half days at work on Fridays, every other Friday off, and start putting the kids in daycare on those days, which meant one extra day a week. This was a big decision for us, since this would be a hit on our finances. But it also meant I would feel less guilty for putting the onus of childcare on my husband EVEN THOUGH he told me multiple times it’s totally fine, he’s totally up for watching the kids, he can totally do it. I’m fully aware that this is something that I could not seem to get over, and he was ALSO ok with spending the money to pretty much just let me feel less guilty, even though it’s not completely reasonable.
Emotionally, I was ok with paying for this time because I honestly felt like I was dying, like I was starving something inside my soul, and having time with no obligations to anyone but myself and my own goals was so freeing. But practically speaking, this was hard. I spend some of that time on Fridays making sure to keep up on our budget and finances in order to make sure we can still do this. My endeavors have not led to an increase in our income, and it’s hard not to feel like I have not accomplished enough at this juncture. It’s a slow journey, but looking back, I feel that I have accomplished and learned more than I realized I would.
Listening for that “still, small voice.”
As a younger Christian, I struggled with the loneliness that came of not being able to hear the voice of God on a regular basis. Not to be too melodramatic, but I remember late nights hoping for the tangible presence of Christ to show up, and weeping when it didn’t.
It’s strange, now, how in this current stage of life, I’m just too busy to be lonely. My family keeps me on my toes, and honestly, finding alone time with God is a challenge. Would I even recognize God’s voice, his urgings, if he spoke?
Over this last year, I had made a conscious decision to listen for and lean into the quiet nudges that stop by in my mind, heart, and gut that may or may not be God’s urgings. It hasn’t always been comfortable. It has meant things like emailing someone or accepting a serving opportunity I normally might not have. One day I even awkwardly stopped to talk to some kids whose soccer ball rolled out into the street and I accidentally ran over with my car to see if I could pay for a new one if I’d popped it. Incredibly awkward, I gotta say (One of the kids even ran away! I felt so bad. If this was a God urging, I hope it came to something.)
But it has also led to things that I never would have expected, things that have thrilled me, as I could recognize a very tangible fingerprint of God’s leading in my life. For example, I recently spoke to someone at our church who has a heart for faith community nursing, and as we spoke, we both felt as though we couldn’t contain our excitement. God felt very real, very near during this conversation, and again, not to be melodramatic, but I honestly felt like I could cry. It’s been many months of searching and trying, and it finally feels like there’s potential here. It’s been eye opening to do this, and I’m incredibly thankful for God’s leading in my life.
Goals for next year
I have a few tentative goals over the next year as I continue to research and delve into this area of ministry, some of them more firm than others, so here goes.
Take the Faith Community Nursing course.
This is an interesting one because part of this goal is that I want to be able to fund this with money from something other than my current full time job. But so far, I’m not sure how. The course itself costs about $400. If I can’t find a different revenue stream or come up with one by the middle of next year, I’ll regroup, but I’ll keep this here.
Website
This one might sound odd, but I wanted to actually purchase some webspace. This was inspired by reading the book Show Your Work by Austin Keon. It would just be a continuation of this blog, but if I decided to evolve or expand what I do in some way, I wanted to have this available to me. My biggest hang-up, though, is the name. I’ve gone back on forth on several options. I’m waiting for the one that walks up to me and essentially gives me a gut punch. Boom, there it is!
Explore the possibility of starting a health ministry at our church
I mentioned this in a previous blog post, but part of my hesitation with this is that our church is so big. Many of the health ministry or faith community nursing ministries I hear about start with something simple, like a blood pressure clinic. In a church like mine… do I need to get, like, a legal team involved or something?! But I’ve started conversations here and there with a few people, and even if this is not something that can launch in the next year, I want to challenge myself to explore the option.
Write up a class, start brainstorming a book, or start a social media platform where I could start teaching content
Ok… ok yeah… I don’t know if I’m actually going to do this. But this is partly to do with the first goal. If I want to make a convincing argument for a health ministry in a church, not just mine, what are the theological, philosophical, and practical implications? I want to challenge myself to keep doing research, keep reading, get in touch with the health and wellness needs of the church, and I also want to be able to go to other churches and speak into situations or teach on topics related to health and self-advocacy. OR… maybe just start a youtube channel on my journey into health ministry?! All of this is freaking me out, it’s making me uncomfortable, let’s move on HA HA HA!
Lord help me, I’m still moving toward this goal. There’s a sense of momentum and growth, but also… just… what am I doing?! I’m excited, though. I’m so, so tired, so emotionally drained, but still excited. This has been a very full year, with so many ups and downs. I won’t make any predictions for the next year since I don’t want to jinx anything, but I do look forward to more. More life, more growth, and, with hope, more of God’s presence through it all.