Although I\’ve been wanting this blog space to be one where I could plan, teach, and share the things I have learned or want to learn as I try to delve more deeply into the realm of stewardship of faith and health, I find myself despairing of actually being able to do it consistently. I crave structure, but I don\’t have it. I can\’t make deadlines I set for myself, ones I thought were realistic, and it\’s endlessly agitating, exhausting, and frustrating. Trying to communicate why it bothers me so much is also incredibly frustrating. I have a style and a method, why do I have to justify to myself (and sometimes to people around me), that I need and want this time?
But it also feels like I\’m being unrealistic. I want 3-4 hours to myself every week, uninterrupted and consecutive hours, where no one asks me for anything, where neither of my toddlers can bother me, and where I don\’t feel guilty taking that time for me. Which means I can\’t be at home, there are too many responsibilities that would tug at me. It has to be during a time the kids are at daycare, which means taking a day to myself while taking PTO from work. If I do it on a day when the kids are at home, it means abandoning my husband to watch the kids by himself (I know, he\’s their dad too, but he\’s been the primary caregiver for the better part of a year so just let me feel guilty about it!). And dropping the kids off at daycare for an additional day is incredibly costly. Unless that time will eventually increase our income, even though that\’s the goal, it\’s hard to justify the cost. So having that kind of time consistently has happened less than once a month
What do I do? How do I do this? How do I make wise decisions? How do I steward my time well? My energy? Not only do I feel like time is being squeezed away from me, I am so tired all of the time. It\’s hard to run at 100% at work, then with the kids, then expect myself to have the mental and physical capacity to do anything else but sleep or rest or chill with any other time I have left. What can I do?
I have not yet discovered good answers. But I have good people around me, my husband, friends, and counselors included, and I am trying to let them speak truths into my life, even though it sometimes frustrates me endlessly. So here is what I\’m learning:
(I had to pause here while writing this because honestly, I don\’t want to learn to be more patient, I feel like I\’ve been patient enough already. But God is working somewhere in here, so … -=Deep Breaths=-)
\”Keep Listening\”
One of the things that struck me as I started out on this journey of writing and reading more was how the things I read and listened to seemed to keep popping up again and again in my life. I remember at one point how an entry I had written contained a verse that popped up again in a book I was reading with our small group. I mentioned this to my counselor who encouraged me to Keep Listening. God is speaking in here somewhere, and even if he doesn\’t necessarily speak to give me specific directions or topics to delve into, he might nudge and affirm in small ways. For this, I was (and am) grateful. In the last several weeks, even in the midst of my frustration and despair, I have felt the little nudges that have encouraged me to keep going, to keep reading, keep praying, keep listening, because God is doing something.
\”Remember your priorities\”
I am a wife, mom, daughter, sister, friends, nurse. I have so many roles. What are the ones I am called to, by God and by my own soul, to steward and guard at the highest levels of priority? In my pursuit of my own creative goals, what would it mean to pursue those to the detriment of my relationship with the people God has placed in my life to love well? (Or at least, as well as I can.)
Some of my favorite verses on the topic of love comes from 1 John:
11Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. 12No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us.
1 John 4:11-12
In the last few weeks, a point that I have felt God has been pressing into my heart more and more is that Jesus came to the world to serve, and he did that by dying. This is the example I am meant to live by. That\’s quite a standard. The one most worthy of worship, with all the freedom he could set for himself, came and limited his freedom and died painfully. How do we show the example Jesus set? How do we show that we know God? By loving others. How did Jesus love people? He died for them. How did he choose to use the time he had before he died? He washed peoples\’ feet.
I am restless and struggling. I\’m aching for my own kind of freedom. But the One I find most beautiful deigned it worthy of his time and energy to love and serve the people around him. So I must remember that the people around me are people Jesus died for. They are relationships I want to cherish and grow well. Although I believe it is important to do things like self-care and pursuing my own interests because I am God\’s creature and he has created me with certain desires and gifts to use for his glory, the people around me are also God\’s creatures. I must remember to love these people. And that means spending my time, this very precious commodity, with these beloved. I have to constantly remember who my priorities are.
\”Set and re-set goals\”
I hate going back on goals I set. I hate not being able to structure my time the way I want. I hate breaking promises. I can tell my husband is a bit flabbergasted as to why I\’m so frustrated with this. And I\’m sure there are reasons. But I hate it. That\’s part of the reason I am feeling this level of agitation and despair (I know, despair is a strong word. I thought I was feeling less urgency, but I realized it\’s really just this weird depression and sadness, and despair feels like the right word for it.). But based on the last few months, I just can\’t keep up the momentum. It\’s so incredibly exhausting. And my plans keep changing based on how busy it is at work, my husband\’s work schedule, and my own physical tiredness.
Not only have I had to reset the goals I had for this blog, which was to write an entry a week, but I also had to interrupt my food and health related goals as well. Too many things have had to be interrupted. I have had to learn to give myself and the people around me grace. I have had to learn to remember over and over and over again to be present with the people around me, even if I wanted to be doing something else. So I am going to try and reset. Here are the goals I am setting:
- 1 entry every other week
- 15 minute workout (RingFit, Beat Saber, youtube workout, just SOMETHING) at least three times a week.
- spend 5 minutes prepping in the morning with my bullet journal before the day gets started
I feel like this is so small but I\’m also so afraid that I won\’t be able to keep up with this either. I\’m so tired of fighting (it feels like fighting anyway) for my time. My hope over the next several weeks is that God will somehow use this period in my life in ways I didn\’t think were possible. I might not even see it. But I will keep hoping.