Fear and Criticism

I\’ve always admired people who could think critically enough to critique a book intelligently. It\’s not something I\’ve made a practice of regularly, at least not out loud. I\’ve read terrible books and loved them, and I\’ve closed good books out of boredom. So I hesitated to do this in public, since I figured I\’m just not qualified to criticize anything.

As I explore more of who I am and what I want to do with my life, I find that fear has more to do with it than actual qualifications (of course… it\’s really very possible and probably true that I\’m not actually qualified). I am afraid that people who see, read, or hear a critique I have will see that I don\’t have what it takes. I\’m afraid people will see that I am actually an idiot, that I\’ve been faking the little amount of brain power I pretend to have. I don\’t want to take the risk of putting my opinions out there because I\’m afraid I will be wrong. I\’m afraid people will argue with my conclusions, thereby dismissing me as a person. I am afraid.

In realizing this about myself, that fear is the motivation, I had to stop, pull back, and think. I remembered a church sister who would constantly talk about \”fear of man\” and how fear was not a good reason not to do something. I used to brush this off as being overly Christian-ese and simplistic until one day, I stopped and took a hard look at this sister\’s life. I had never met anyone like her. She is a person intimately acquainted with fear and grief and loss, not just of people but of her own physical capabilities. She was so able to look at fear and quietly, gracefully, and firmly decide to lean in to the promises of God, moving forward with purpose, refusing to allow the boundaries and limitations that fear imposed on her to keep her from utilizing her gifts and talents to the best of her ability.

\”For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For the spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline.\”

2 Timothy 1:6-7

I am a witness to the power, love, grace, and sacrifice of Christ through his work in my life. Behind me stands generation after generation of people who have seen and passed down the story of Jesus and his ability to change everything. I am called to \”fan into flame\” the gift of his life-changing sacrifice and resurrection and keep passing it down. I am His \”creature\”, formed with purpose, and I am called to create with all of my self, all the resources held in me, so as to best show others who he is. I am called to steward the resources He has given me, specifically here my mind and creativity, in order to communicate Jesus to people.

This is all a very dramatic and long-winded way of saying… I might do some book and article reviews on this website. xD

But it will be done with more purpose than the meanderings I make with my usual book selections. My goal here is to explore health ministry, so my reviews will be more specific to either my own personal spiritual growth in this regard or to resources made for those interested in health ministry.

This is the most I\’ve read in several years. I used to read more. Then… something about the pace of nursing, my own anxiety, my fear of self-exploration, caused me to stop being able to sit long enough to read. I would rather sleep or veg out. And then trying to keep up with the kids, I was just so tired. My brain hurt. But I made it a point this year to read more. I want more. I\’m hungry for more. And I want this blog to be a way for me to explore and hopefully give insight to people who are also trying to explore nursing, health, faith, and church and blend them all together somehow. So… stay tuned! Something to look forward to in the next few entries!